


Cross You Off My List

by equestrianstatue



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-28
Updated: 2014-01-28
Packaged: 2018-01-10 10:11:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1158397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/equestrianstatue/pseuds/equestrianstatue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is every reason in the world for Arthur to hate Merlin to pieces, and yet he can't seem to make it work that way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cross You Off My List

**Author's Note:**

> First posted in November 2008.

During Merlin's third week in Camelot, and his second in Arthur's service, he was put in the stocks four separate times, and only one of those was on Arthur's orders; he somehow managed to find the time to get in trouble with other people too. Arthur was almost impressed, although mostly he glanced out of the window occasionally and laughed.

Morgana said, I'm surprised you haven't got rid of him.

Why, would you? asked Arthur.

She said that no, she wouldn't, but that she wasn't still a spoilt brat who got bored with his servants now as fast as he did with his toys as a kid.

Shut up, Morgana, he said.

*

They have these stupid arguments far too often, and certainly enough to have cost even the most valued and efficient servant his job by now. Arthur doesn't think he's been served by anyone who never annoyed him, but then he doesn't think anyone has ever been so pro-active about it. Merlin actually goes out of his way to get himself shouted at.

This time it's a little more serious than usual, more charged on both sides; less to do with Merlin not cleaning armour properly and more to do with Uther holding someone in the cells purely to make a point. He'll be let out soon enough, but Merlin will insist on going on about how the man's family has been left without this week's wages, and how it doesn't look like he's going to be able to get his job back anyhow if he's locked up for much longer, and how Arthur ought to be sorting this out.

Arthur's angry partly because Merlin is insufferable and difficult and an idiot and _deserves_ someone to be angry at him, but also partly because he knows Merlin is right, which is absolutely the worst bit of all.

"Look," he says, his voice low and dangerous, "if you leave now, and we don't speak of this matter again, your impertinence will be excused, and we will carry on as before."

"Not while you're still wrong about this," Merlin tells him, as if he actually has the authority to tell Arthur anything. "Not unless you promise me that you'll go to Uther."

"I'm not promising _you_ anything." Arthur's muscles are twitching, his teeth gritted, his defiance and condescension all the stronger for being unfounded.

"Then I'm not leaving."

Arthur moves towards him suddenly; and Merlin knows, he's sure, that he's not going to sock him one – not without warning while he's just standing there, anyway, though he wouldn't be against the idea in other circumstances, but fair play and all that – and yet he flinches backwards as if he's expecting it, and perhaps in the panic of the moment, he pushes his hands out and shoves Arthur away. And that wouldn't be so bad, except that Arthur's kind of near the wall, and he falls back against it with one shoulder and knocks the side of his head. It doesn't hurt much, but Arthur's already angry, and absolutely the last thing he is going to accept right now is being pushed about by a servant.

Almost reflexively, he has Merlin by the front of his shirt and he says, "How _dare_ you even – " and he swings them around, pushing Merlin against the wall instead, harder than he probably deserved, but frankly that's the least of Arthur's worries; because the rational part of his brain hiding behind the blanket of white-hot range is telling him that there's no reason for him to do this, for him to be standing here, why is he still standing here, why is he standing right up against Merlin and not moving backwards and why isn't Merlin pushing him away and why are they just _standing_ and breathing and staring at each other, because –

And this is where Arthur kisses Merlin very forcefully and very very angrily. When Arthur looks back on this, he thinks: perhaps it is some kind of instinctual human thing, because he has a mouth, and Merlin has a mouth, and they were very close together, and there is no other way out of that situation. Although sometimes, in very occasional fits of clarity, Arthur thinks his own theories can be pretty fucking moronic.

It doesn't even get simpler from there onwards, because Arthur's still just as angry as beforehand, coupled with the monumental confusion he's just managed to create for himself by _kissing_ him – seriously, just why – and his reaction to that is to give Merlin another livid shove so that his head catches the stone behind it. He would give anything to have Merlin fight back, to have the excuse to land a few proper punches on him and then just _leave_ , but Merlin won't because he's probably worried about stupid fucking things like not being good at fighting, and not because he's giving Arthur a funny look that he doesn't like at all.

"Come on," says Arthur, or rather he shouts it, or sort of pleads it.

But Merlin just swallows and keeps looking at him, and so Arthur kisses him again, maybe so that he won't be able to see his eyes any more. This time it goes on for rather longer, and Arthur still has one hand on Merlin's shoulder and the other one seems to be tangled roughly in his hair, and Merlin in turn has a hand gripping the front of his shirt and one on his waist, and it just goes on and on and on, and it doesn't look like anybody's going to let up. Arthur already knows that it's gone too far because he's hot and flushed and pushing himself up against Merlin in ways that he entirely doesn't want to, but his body seems to be working of its own accord.

And then Merlin makes this little noise – somewhere in between a gasp and a yelp – and that does it, somehow, snaps Arthur back into control, his mind recoiling in horror just seconds before his body follows suit.

There is a brief moment where they just stare at each other in shock, before Arthur turns away and walks across the room to sit down on the bed, and his face is tight with shame and rage. Merlin still stands where he left him, looking a little shaken, but he swallows and opens his mouth to speak.

Arthur says, "If you _ever_ – " at exactly the same time as Merlin says, "I won't – "

And then Arthur walks out of the room and doesn't see Merlin for three days.

*

I think you _like_ him, said Morgana, a hint of singsong childish teasing in her voice.

Arthur said, I really don't.

Morgana just rolled her eyes, in that annoying way that she had, and so Arthur thought he'd better explain.

I don't like anyone, really, he said, and then he stopped, because he'd never quite put that thought together before.

And then Morgana stopped rolling her eyes and looked at him rather sadly, but somehow that was worse, so he went away.

 * 

Arthur doesn't summon Merlin and Merlin doesn't come to him, but it can't last forever; they both live within the same buildings, after all, vast as they may be. So it is three days later when Arthur pushes open one of the side-gates that leads out into the city, only to be confronted with Merlin on the other side of it, laden down with supplies for Gaius, and there is nothing that Arthur can do but step backwards and hold the gate open to let him pass. They do not make eye contact. It seems that even Merlin, who'll speak up at any inopportune moment given half the chance, isn't going to break the silence, for which Arthur would thank him if he could.

Only he spoke (or didn't speak) too soon; Arthur is just about to close the gate behind him when Merlin says, "Wait."

Arthur shakes his head. "Please, just – no."

"Look," Merlin carries on, holding the gate open with his shoulder as Arthur begins to walk away, "look, I know you hate me, and – "

Arthur wheels around, and spits, "I _don't_ ," and doesn't listen to anything else that Merlin calls after him.

* 

Later on that same day, Merlin had come back covered in tomatoes and cabbage and Arthur didn't really want to know what else, and bowed flamboyantly low to him, and said, permission to have a wash before I clean your riding boots, sire, or else they're going to contain more vegetables than usual.

Permission granted, said Arthur, and felt himself starting to smile, and saw Merlin start to smile back. So he fixed his expression and said, don't take too long, will you, and then turned away.

*

But it's futile in the end. That evening Arthur is removing his armour, putting away swords and shields after training with the men, his movements frustratingly slow and unpracticed after so many years of not having to do this himself. He knows where everything goes, but it's all a surprising amount of effort to sort out.

Eventually, from the doorway, Merlin says, "Let me."

Arthur wonders how long he's been standing there watching him struggle, and decides it's probably long enough to have seen the bit where he spent nearly a minute trying to reach a catch on the back of his breastplate. There is no dignity to lose now. Obediently, he holds out his arms; Merlin deftly begins to remove the metal gauntlets, and lifts the chain mail over his head.

They stay in silence throughout the whole process, and it is only when Arthur's sword has been safely sheathed that they turn to each other, the realisation that a conversation is about to happen settling awkwardly on their shoulders. "Well," says Arthur, and then half-shrugs, half-beckons Merlin towards the door, and they sit down on a bench outside the armoury in the cool evening air and wonder what to do next.

Then Merlin says, "So why don't you hate me?"

"Suppose it wasn't your fault," mumbles Arthur.

Merlin almost laughs with incredulity. "That's not the kind of reasoning I've come to expect from you."

"Yes," says Arthur, "well." But Merlin doesn't say anything else, just keeps looking at him, so Arthur says, "I don't know."

"Don't know what?"

"I don't know why I don't hate you." He exhales. "You're slow, you're awkward, you can't fight, you're late for everything, you're a stubborn little shit – "

"Wow, thanks."

"And I could have you fired, easily, or exiled. Probably killed, if I needed to."

"Oh," says Merlin. "Right."

"So why haven't I?" says Arthur, and it starts out meaning to be rhetorical, or sarcastic, or whimsical, but by the time the question's out of his mouth it's all too genuine.

"Search me," says Merlin. Then, when it becomes apparent that Arthur isn't going to provide an answer either, he asks, "So, do I still have a job?"

"Apparently."

They sit quietly for a while, neither of them really sure how to continue the conversation or how to end it, or whether that matters.

"I would give anything in this world to hate you," says Arthur, eventually.

Merlin smiles. "That's almost sweet."


End file.
